Valentine’s Day Blues

What are we celebrating in the name of love?

As we ‘celebrate’ Valentine’s Day, it’s interesting to know the origins of this tradition. In Ancient Rome, people would celebrate the feast of Lupercalia, the Roman god of agriculture in February, involving obscure and brutal rituals in the name of fertility.

A group of drunken and naked priests would sacrifice a goat and a dog as symbols of fertility and purification. They would strip off the animal's skin and dip it into the blood and beat young women with it. As awful as this sounds, the young women would queue up in the hope that this bloody ritual would make them fertile. 

By the end of the 5th Century, the not-so-Christian fertility festival was officially replaced by the celebration of Saint Valentine on the 14th February.  

It is a mystery who Saint Valentine was as the Catholic Church recognises eight different Saints - all with the same name. What is extraordinary is that every one of them died a martyr on the 14th February.   

One of the legends tells us that Valentine was a young priest who would perform secret marriages during the 3rd century in Rome. Young men weren’t allowed to get married, as they had an obligation to be soldiers without the ties of family. When he defied Claudius, Valentine was executed on the 14th February in the name of love.

What strikes me is that on this so-called day of love, so many people will not be feeling ‘loved up’ and busy enjoying tender and romantic moments. Valentine’s Day can often negatively trigger those who are unhappy in their relationship or single, to feel even more alone, unloved, or unlovable. For those suffering a recent break-up, it really can be a really difficult day.

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

So why is love so important? Being in love causes our body to release feel-good hormones and neurochemicals that trigger specific, positive reactions. Our levels of dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine dramatically increase when we are in love. Oxytocin, a hormone released through physical contact like hugging, kissing, and sex, deepens attachment and produces powerful sensations of contentment, calmness, and security.

When we ‘fall in love’, there are many physical symptoms that come into play. Have you ever felt your heartbeat speed up, your palms sweat, or your stomach churn at the thought of someone you love? This will be due to a rise in your cortisol levels, putting the body into fight-or-flight mode. Your limbic (emotional) brain activates the vagus nerve that goes from the brain to your gut. When you get nervous or excited, this nerve is stimulated and activates the gut resulting in butterflies. Even our pupils can dilate when we’re in love. This is a physiological response triggered by the release of hormones such as adrenaline and oxytocin associated with attraction and arousal, essentially signifying a state of heightened excitement or interest when looking at a loved one.

Heartbreak Hotel

Experiencing the loss of an important relationship can be traumatic and can feel awful for a long time. Mostly due to the same stress hormones that mess with your immune system — adrenaline and cortisol — other physical symptoms of heartache can occur. Adrenaline is the hormone that keeps us edgy and anxious and can cause insomnia – making life quickly seem overwhelmingly difficult.

Our brains also lose a regular supply of positive neurotransmitters that come with closeness, security, and love, and we go into neurological withdrawal. The loss of these chemicals can make us feel depressed and isolated.

When a Man Loves a Woman

Despite the stereotypical view that men are less emotionally invested in relationships than women, a recent study has found that men are more likely to experience deeper emotional pain than women following heartbreak and are much less likely to seek help. Men are also more likely to quickly rebound into a new relationship especially if they are struggling to admit or share their feelings of loss due to shame. This can often lead to men feeling even more isolated and out of control and being with someone new in the hope it will distract them from the pain, triggers an even deeper sense of aloneness.

What becomes of the brokenhearted?

Here are a few useful tips for helping to heal a broken heart:

1. Take time to grieve and be gentle with yourself

2. Find or rediscover new sources of joy

3. Make a list of what you and others like about you and

keep the list close as a reminder

4. Take time to acknowledge thoughts and feelings – no denial!

5. Express your needs and difficulties honestly to close friends or family

6. Avoid rushing into another relationship before you have healed

7. Use exercise regularly to help you, your mind and your body feel good.

8. Take some time to think about what went wrong without just blaming the other person. Being honest about your role in the breakdown will help you to build more fulfilling relationships in the future and ensure that mistakes are learned from in a positive way.

Tips for dealing with relationship breakdown.

Love Me Tender…

Finding love is one of life’s greatest joys but can often seem elusive. Staying in love can be even harder. Needing to work on relationship issues is very common amongst my clients as giving and receiving love is so closely linked to our sense of self-worth. Hypnotherapy can help re-write the story of past romantic failures that hold so many people back and help them gain the inner confidence needed to be vulnerable, honest, and open – all essential ingredients in any successful relationship.

Relationship Styles

Many people these days are now more familiar with their relationship style and this is an area that is useful to delve into. How we feel in intimate relationships tells us so much about who we are and what is important to us. Are you anxiously attached, often overthinking and catastrophising at every turn? Are you avoidant, often finding yourself scared and pulling away or closing off just when things get genuinely close and intimate? Or are you secure, able to manage being close to someone, easily letting down your guard, and enjoying the chance to build a deep intimacy on a physical and mental level with that special person? There are many books on this subject, including ‘Attached’ by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, which I highly recommend.

I Want to Break Free

Often, it’s our experiences of love in our early years that hold us back. When we are young, we are unconsciously learning about relationships, especially with siblings and parents. These experiences can leave us feeling unworthy of love or unsure of ourselves. A child’s mind can also misinterpret relationships and make negative decisions about trust, friendship, or love without us being aware. Hypnotherapy techniques can unravel these and update them to an adult’s viewpoint. It can be like pushing a reset button, clearing the way for more fulfilling love adventures, free from old habits and outdated mindsets. Hypnotherapy can also help us gain clarity over whether a relationship is worth continuing with and why it may not be working well.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?

If you struggle with letting people get close to you, hypnotherapy techniques can help you uncover the unconscious reasons why and support new patterns of more helpful behaviour. Getting hurt in love is always a risk, but if we work on our sense of self and resilience, it will always be a risk worth taking.

Call Me

If you are suffering from heartbreak, loneliness or anxiety about your relationships, find out more about how hypnotherapy helps: www.alisonscottcognitivehypnotherapy.co.uk

Or call me for a free introductory chat – 07989 535527.