Helping Children Find Their Voice

Children’s Mental Health Week (5 – 11 Feb) this year has the theme of ‘My Voice Matters’. Now in its 10th year, it seeks to empower children and young people in UK.

The Current Crisis

Place2Be, who is behind the week, has released new data revealing that 55% of children and young people in UK are facing barriers in seeking mental health support.

The survey also revealed that children and young people’s top worry was schoolwork and exams (nearly 60%), followed by their appearance (45%) and climate change (42%). Almost 40% reported worrying about their family not having enough money.

The charity Young Minds, a force for change to create a future where no young person feels alone with their mental health, also reports a full-on crisis. Their stats are shocking:

one in four 17-19 year olds have a mental health problem
more than half of young people waited for over a month for support after seeking it
almost half a million young people are either waiting for or undergoing treatment with mental health services every month.

Future Care Capital reports that a quarter of a million children and young people are being turned away from receiving the mental health support they desperately need. Many now feel abandoned, particularly by CAHMS who are unable to provide the right help at the right time to meet growing demand. In 2021-2022, 32% of referrals were discharged from CAMHS without any treatment – that’s almost a quarter of a million children in need being ignored.

There are ways to help!

What can we do while this mental health crisis grows ever deeper? Well, we have to rely on our own resources, especially parents, teachers and care workers. Finding ways to support and communicate well with young people is essential. Remember that maintaining trust is so important and every child is different as well as constantly changing as they develop.

Here are some useful suggestions on how to encourage children to find their voice and learn to speak up about their issues well before things get serious:

Listen Actively.

Take time to listen when they’re ready. It’s hard not to force children to speak when it suits us but it is best not to pressure them. Often a child will open up in the car on the way home from school, or during a walk or before bed when other distractions have gone away. We have to make quiet times for children to even be able to acknowledge their own feelings. Avoid the temptation to just give advice but offer to talk through what the child might think would work for them and offer up suggestions to talk about options together. This empowers them to come up with their own solutions.

What do you need?

This is such a powerfully simple question that we don’t ask our loved ones often enough. Many relationships can be easily improved by asking this question when things get tricky. The young person may not have the answer straight away but it encourages positive thought and action and stops us from assuming we even know!

I love you, no matter what.

It’s so important to be reassuring, especially if their behaviour is difficult. They may need reminding that they are enough – regardless of grades or other issues. After an argument, it is key to have a moment of ‘resolve’ where everyone can apologise, offer love and support and help keep things in perspective without unnecessary shame or blame. It is also important for parents to acknowledge if they have lost their temper and apologise for any unhelpful behaviour too. We are all human and it is more conducive to model ‘sorry’ than always being right.

Acknowledge feelings.

Ask your child about their feelings and repeat what you hear back to them to ensure they feel heard and understood. Ask them if you have understood correctly. Try not to judge whether they should feel that way but acknowledge that they do. This helps them to accept that their feelings are valid and all feelings are allowed and acceptable. If your child is disappointed with their grades or didn’t score the part in the play or on the team, acknowledge how hard that must be rather than trying to jolly them along.

It’s so important for us all to ‘feel the feelings’ and not push them away or pretend they aren’t there. The more we do this, the sooner they pass. Emotions are trying to tell us something and we need to listen. If the emotion is anger, it’s useful for children to notice that underneath anger is usually hurt. That goes for us all.

Look out for stress.

Stress can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Stress for one child might result in sleep difficulties (too much or too little), a change in eating habits, feeling unwell or lacking in energy or losing interest in seeing friends. If you notice your child is struggling or behaving differently from the norm, ask them how you can help.

Set up routines.

After school, children can be exhausted, and hungry and need to re-connect with home and will often do anything to put off homework. Allow them time to have a snack and get used to being home. Set aside a regular time and place for studies so that it becomes a habit. Create an area without distractions and be full of praise and interest afterwards. Allow children to choose their chores and feel a sense of ownership over their tasks and then ensure all positive activity is rewarded or acknowledged each time to avoid taking their work for granted. We all like and need to be appreciated.

Talking of Kindness.

When we’re kind to each other, it helps us to feel connected. Teaching children to use their voices to spread kindness can change lives and we all need to know what we say and how we say it really matters. When we’re kind or when someone is kind to us, our bodies release feel-good hormones which lift our mood and lower stress. We can also practice being kind to ourselves and teach our children to talk to themselves in positive ways. This habit of being your own best friend is a lifetime’s work and best started very young!

Open questions.

We have all experienced the grunting ‘yes’ and ‘no’ conversations with uncommunicative children, especially teenagers. Asking more open questions can help, such as, “What was the most interesting thing about today”, or ”Tell me more about how it’s going in Maths”. Or just chat lightly about your day to see if they will join in.

Share your stuff!

Children often like to hear your stories of ‘bad’ behaviour, how you overcame a challenging teacher at school or handled anxiety over exams or friendships. This makes them feel less judged and not alone in their struggles. Many parents and teachers like to be seen as ‘perfect’ but this does not help the child feel connected, valued or understood.

Encourage Creativity and Laughter

Many children prefer to express themselves through art, storytelling, or play and this can be such a fun way for them to share about their challenges. Get them to draw their most hated teacher and laugh about it or draw a picture of how something makes them feel. Older children can learn to journal which is a great habit to help process feelings and make sense of them.

Respect Their Privacy.

Like adults, some children are naturally very private and may need more personal space and will resist sharing things. Try to avoid too much pressure and notice the times when they are feeling more open and maximise them. Young people often benefit from speaking to more than their parents, so include other family members and friends in the mix who are available to talk through problems.

If they begin talking, really listen until they have finished rather than jumping in with a comment or judgment. Find the humour in situations when you can as this helps build connection and trust. Sometimes, just spending time non-communication together is helpful. Teenagers in particular can be very private but want to know you’re there and you are at least trying to understand them.

Don’t take things personally!

This is probably the hardest challenge of all. We all take far too much too personally. Most children are thinking about themselves and have not yet learnt empathy skills. When anxious, they may not be able to think through how their behaviour affects others. Yes, this is selfish but it is also to be expected and as caregivers, we need to accept we will be the brunt of many “I hate you’s”. Clear the air as soon as you can and inject some humour wherever possible. They do not mean it. The closer you are to young people, the more of this you will likely receive. Take a step back, distract yourself with something else, and let the wave of fury pass. The less you react, the less it will probably happen. Save the talking until things are calm.

Alison Scott Cognitive Hypnotherapy

If you’re struggling to communicate with your child or teenager or they are anxious and unhappy, please get in contact. I have broad experience in helping young people with many common issues, including bullying, OCD, ADHD/ADD, and exam stress as well as helping parents suffering with overwhelm who need parental support.